Listen
I listened quietly to a friend for a full hour, with full attention, with love and with head nodding in acknowledgement. She expressed some pretty strong emotions. As she was leaving she said: “Thank you. You make me feel peaceful.” Actually, she made herself feel peaceful by talking it out. She didn’t need my advice. She needed to express her feelings out loud. She also needed to be heard and accepted.
Acceptance is powerful. Advice is risky. I am usually very tempted to give advice. (I’m working on this! I truly want to have ninja listening skills!)
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen until the other person feels understood.
Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to feel understood.
Listening is valuable if we listen with full attention, 1X1, 100%. I have noticed that “Grandma Time” is more meaningful when I have 1 grandchild at a time and give them 100% of my attention. They can tell if I’m distracted or thinking about something else.
A listener’s job is to strive to understand, not to necessarily agree with what they are saying. We don’t need to agree in order for the other person to feel cared about.
Listen for feelings.
Listen for needs.
Listen between the lines.
Listen to what they are not saying
When we listen wholeheartedly, others feel safe. Their brains quiet down and they can be emotionally truthful with themselves. This helps them find their own solutions.
“Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view, which gets them to (a) calm and logical place…” (Chriss Voss, Never Split the Difference, pg 16)
Listening is a rare and beautiful super power.
WALK WITH
When my older brother, Jim, taught me to ride a bike, he walked beside me, then at some point let go. It was such a great feeling to balance myself. When our oldest son, Nathan, got his first bike, he happily walked it around the driveway and, walking beside it, enjoyed it immensely! Then he learned to ride it. Learning to ride a bike and balance yourself opens up a whole new world of joy.
When we taught our kids to ride a bike, we would walk beside them, lightly holding on to help balance them. If they said, “let go,” we did so with a little trepidation, knowing there was a good chance they would fall. But they would never learn to ride if we didn’t let go.
Walk beside or walk with a child as they learn to ride a bike. Walk with a friend as they journey through life. Just having someone beside you helps you feel that you are worth another’s time. It’s reassuring. Of course you might fall. Of course you might fail. That’s okay. Failure is an important part of success
Can you walk with a person without trying to change their direction?
Choice is a sacred, God-given right. Everyone wants to learn to balance their own bike. People want to feel in control of their life and people want to feel safe. We can trust others to find their own solutions.
In his book, “The Power Principle,” Blaine Lee tells of trying everything possible to comfort his crying baby in the middle of the night. “It finally occurred to me, nothing I had said had made any difference at all nor had anything I’d done made any difference. Feeling pretty foolish, I said out loud, ‘Guess I’ll just stand here and hold you.’…within a few minutes the baby was asleep in my arms. What accomplished this miracle? Nothing I said, nothing I did, I just gave up and was with him. Nothing more…Unconditional acceptance is so rare and so wonderful that it’s impact is unmistakable. Understanding is harder to give than advice, but it is usually more valuable” pg 138–139).
Feeling accepted is so lovely and so satisfying! Just walk with another person.
BELIEVE IN
I believe in your innate capacity. I believe in my innate capacity. I believe in God’s love and desire and ability to guide us and bless us, if we let Him.
I believe we have the desire and ability to perform at a higher level. We are wired for growth.
We don’t need to “fix” anyone. Just believe in them and they will soar when they are ready to. Believe this! Don’t you just love it when someone believes in you wholeheartedly?
My husband believes in me. He believes I can help him get trusses onto the roof and set. He believes in my writing. He believes I can figure things out. He doesn’t let me off the hook easily.
GOD IS MY EXAMPLE OF LISTENING TO, WALKING WITH, BELIEVING IN
He listens to us.
He walks with us.
He believes in us.
He is attentive, aware, accepting and available.
I want to always remember Him. He always remembers me.
Remembering Him will help me to listen to, walk with and believe in.